On this International Women’s Day I keep thinking about the word “vulnerability” and how big of a role it has played in developing my sense of self. Well, let’s keep that commitment to vulnerability going and let me share how I’m truly feeling today, which is not on par with the sort of empowered posts I’m seeing from all the amazing women in my news feed who are rockin it at life right now.
I’m on day 3 of beating myself up for the dumbest thing I’ve ever done - I spilled coffee on my MacBook. Yep. Turns out that doesn’t just happen to clumsy people in sitcoms. It was the one day I didn’t have the keypad protector on - it muffles sound so I’d removed it to listen to some music the day before. I had my coffee, lid on, next to me and was on a gleeful high after just having my new logo finalized. Oh how quickly emotion can swing.....I raised my hand and only slightly bumped the coffee but it was in one of those top heavy containers that let you put it in your car cup holder...down it went. Time slowed down I swear. My friends did their best to say comforting words and give advice, faces grim with horrified compassion about how I must be feeling. I turned it off immediately, tried all the drying tricks while leaving it off for 2 days, but enough damage has been done that it won’t charge. The black screen with the “I can’t find the hard drive” folder of death had popped up right after it happened so I didn’t have high hopes for the hard drive. But without a charge I can’t turn it on to attempt to see if there is anything salvageable. (And before you ask, Apple Care and warranties don’t cover spills.)
So here I am, with the lifeless body of a $1300 laptop I’ve only had for a year. My friends and I discussed a lovely funeral, setting it adrift up Lake Coeur D’Alene on a Viking boat to Valhalla. I will postpone the lighting of the torches for now, and bring it to the Apple store next week to see if there are any words of hope to be spoken over my dead hunk of metal. It’s an uncomfortable position to be in when I am both the victim and the cause of a problem, and my inner dialogue has been a heated one. It’s also been insightful in its duality. I never panicked, being calm under pressure is par for the course for me. I live my life in the belief that things will always work out. Setbacks are only temporary. (Insert your cliche of choice here.)
My relationship with coffee has been strained, for which I cannot forgive that thermos. We glare at each other in the mornings now, I made an attempt at amends by using it again yesterday but the joy was gone. I am definitely breaking up with the top heavy thermos. (Which I had actually forgotten on that fateful morning but doubled back for. How’s that for some salt in the wound...)
On that morning I had been particularly productive and when I left I said to my roommate “I’m on fire! This is going to be a good day!” So obviously the devils of hell and the ancient gods that like to use people as their playthings all collectively said “hold my beer” and set about conspiring.
I can focus on the good things. My photos were all backed up. I had just acquired a new phone so while my ability to process photos from my Nikon is paused, I still have ways to take pictures and share them. I’m headed back to Scotland soon and just don’t have the spare money for a new laptop. But there are some options like a Bluetooth keyboard so I can use my phone to do my blogging without going insane from the snails pace of tiny phone screen one fingered typing. There will be libraries with computers along the way when I need a break from the phone screen. But in spite of all my silver lining gazing, this mistake has been a hard one to swallow. Because it was avoidable. And because I bought the laptop with a chunk of money my grandmother left me when she died - I somehow feel like I let her down with my irresponsibility. And I let myself down - I sacrifice a lot to stretch money as far as I can. I just feel kind of a numb “Ugh. Blah.” Sort of feeling inside.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my “life is still awesome and I’m going to make the most of it” lens of life is still firmly in place. It’s not the end of the world, nobody died (ahem, well...cue melancholy bagpipe tunes and shrouded figures weeping over my laptop.) and I still have my health etc (insert more cliches of choice here.)
So there you have it. On this International Women’s Day I applaud the amazing women around the globe. I don’t feel like one of them this week, but give me some time to forgive myself and I’ll soon be back in the ranks of unstoppable ladies ❤️
Addendum: You are currently trying to decide between a sad, heart, oh no! or laughing response. All are acceptable displays of support.